Cheaters Never Prosper
by parlor.tricks
Summary: Wheatley tries to show he's not a moron.  He always did have a big mouth.  Drabble, oneshot.


"Hey, look. There he is…" Wheatley could hear them snickering behind him. "Go on, ask him a question! This should be hilarious!"

Three scientists had gathered around him like he was some sort of show; he never understood why they did that. Of course, he absolutely loved talking to people, about anything at all. He hated being lonely; he would often ramble to himself when he was alone. So when there were people around he would eagerly talk to them about anything. But he always felt that he never had a meaningful conversation with anyone. It was probably because every conversation ended with people laughing at him.

"Okay, okay!" a man with a large bald spot said, "Wheatley! Why is the Earth round?" The man elbowed the scientist next to him. She tried to stifle a laugh. The final scientist just stood there smirking.

Wheatley thought hard. This time he would give a serious, reflective answer. Then he could have an intelligent conversation; he would start a forum of intellectual thought right there! Then they won't call him a moron anymore!

"Hm! Well, the Earth…the Earth is round, isn't it?" All the scientists nodded, encouraging him to continue. "So the Earth has to move through space. And, well, round things are really good at moving. I mean look at the wheel, right? So the Earth is round so it can move through space the most effective way! I mean, can you imagine a planet shaped like a cube? The corners would get in the way and all the other planets would knock into it and it would be madness! Round is the way to go; round things really are the best!" he finished, matter-of-factly.

Instead of awed faces, Wheatley was greeted to a chorus of laughter.

"Hahaha, oh my God, that's gold!"

"See? I told you he was stupid! He was my masterwork! I only wish they'd kept him on her."

"And miss this, are you kidding? He's an absolute moron!"

Wheatley's heart sank. He wasn't able to impress anyone. They were all laughing at him again. And they were calling him a moron again. He…he wasn't a moron. Why did everyone call him that?

"Y'know, I don't really appreciate you calling me a moron!"

"Oh?"

"Yes! It's, it's not very nice! I could say some not nice things about you! Like you, you have no hair!"

The man with the bald spot instantly stopped laughing.

"And you!" he said as he turned to face the woman beside him, "You're always cheating!"

The young woman's eyes widened.

Wheatley got an air of smugness and continued, "Yes, you, cheating all the time! Cheating with Gabe, cheating with Daniel, cheating with…um…Chris from accounting! You keep that up, and no one will want to play with you! I mean, why would they? You ruin a nice game of cards, or whatever it is you cheat at!"

The balding man turned towards the woman, "Is…is that true?"

"N-no! He's just a moron, he doesn't know what he's talking about!" she stammered. The third scientist quickly excused himself as she tried to explain herself.

"No, everyone's talking about it!" Wheatley chimed in.

A hurt expression fell over the man's face, but it was quickly replaced with an angry one. "I'll be waiting at home to hear the details, Eve," he said as he stormed out.

"Oh my, he didn't take that well. But, honestly, you should play fair-AH!" Wheatley was cut off as the young woman smacked him hard with her clipboard.

"Do you have any idea what you just did, you moron?" she shouted at him.

The little personality core backed up as far as his management rail allowed. "Oh, um, no. But I see that you're angry! And that means I did something wrong…"

The young woman grabbed him roughly by his lower handle. He began to shake under her fierce glare.

"You need to learn when to shut the hell up. I'm going to make sure you do just that…" she said as she pulled a screwdriver from the pocket of her lab coat.

Wheatley grew terrified at the sight of the screwdriver. "No, no! I'll shut up, I promise! You won't hear tiny little Wheatley utter another word!"

His protests went unheeded as the woman jammed the screwdriver into his frame and began to pry one of the plates off.

"AHHH! I-I'm sorry! Nononono! Please stop! N-" Wheatley winced as she pried off the plate and painfully ripped out the wires connecting his voice box. Sparks shot out of the hole in his frame. If he had been able to make any sounds, he would have whimpered.

"There, now you can't ruin people's lives with your big, damn mouth!" the woman spat as she tossed the wires into the garbage can.

Still sparking, Wheatley sped away from her as fast as he possibly could.

A week passed before anyone bothered to fix him.

* * *

><p><em>AN: Somehow I have it in my head that all of the Aperture Scientists are assholes… Wheatley must think humans are smelly for a reason! XD;;;_

_Also, I am going to upload another chapter or two of Android Hell once I work out some POV issues and a little writer's block. So if you enjoyed that story…look forward to it? XD;;;_

_And, as always, let me know of any errors: tense, grammatical, spelling or otherwise! I strive to improve, so constructive criticism is always appreciated!_

_Thanks for the reviews and favs on my other stories! :D_


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